The Wars Within

Where there is love, there is conflict.

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A close friend recently told me something that brought me a sense of inner calm, a sense of familiarity with the demons inside me, and a sense of forgiveness for my greed to feel truly happy — a foreign addiction that seems to have consumed my being recently. He explained to me, ever so patiently, that life happens in phases. At every phase, we feel differently, we want differently and we act differently. Once a phase is over, the magic that governs it, is over. Something that seemed extraordinary is now ordinary, its beauty is diminished, its craving is long-lost, and the reasons for its existence now seem null and void. The strong attraction that once felt unnerving, irresistible, all-pervasive — now leaves behind a blur of lack lustre memories. And it’s time to move on — move on to the next phase of wanting something exactly the opposite, of being someone you didn’t recognise yesterday, of living in a new present with new rules to break, and new pinnacles to conquer.

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But, this too shall live its time and pass. The phases will come and go, making us and breaking us every single time. Phases of falling in love, being in love, falling out of love, and falling in love all over again. Phases of feeling content, of feeling lonely and forlorn, of feeling lost, and of feeling found once again, not to never be lost again. Phases of being submissive, compromising, adjusting, and being rebellious, taking charge and wanting to rule the world. Life happens in these phases that take you by utmost surprise, catching you off-guard and sparking a silent conflict in your soul — the wars within that were waiting to be fought.

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You can’t be sure when one phase ends and another begins, but you wake up one morning, and just like that, the magic starts to unravel. The birds begin to sing. The light begins to burn bright. The heart beats begin to fasten — and life comes a full circle. You unlearn and relearn. You start at the beginning. You start breathing a new air. A lighter, languorous, lackadaisical, languid, air.

You feel a bit self-indulgent, almost as if you were lying in bed, daydreaming and possibly fanning yourself lazily. You see romance at every crossroad. You want to relive a past that wasn’t what it should have been. You speak in puzzles. You embrace the seven sins. You act mysterious. You find insurmountable pleasure in living under the radar. There is thrill in the unspoken, almost as if you were smiling to yourself about a secret crush from high school.

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As an older phase ceases to exist in your conscious mind, you feel every sensation with more intensity, every emotion with boundless vigour and your highest highs become a habit-forming way of life — a really bad drug that gives you a really good trip. Because that’s what drugs do. At some point, you feel like a stranger, outside looking in — not recognising your true self. And yet, you know that this is the truest you have ever been to yourself, to your dreams and to your silly mind.

The world around you never changes, but perceptions begin to creep in like nasty viruses waiting to proliferate and flag their posts. These perceptions are a work of drama, an emotional turmoil, a clashing of generations, a perplexity of unfavourable options — they are everything but the way you take in the world through your senses. But, these are your wars. The wars you are fighting within, with weapons of thought and action, with faith in the unknown, and with wild promises for the future.  A war with no real enemies, just a conflict between old and new desires.

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Everything around you urges you to stop fighting, stop messing with destiny, stop asking questions that don’t have answers, stop playing with fire and stop tickling the monsters. But at this juncture, you have walked too far away from reality. You can’t go back. You can’t walk away. You can’t stop walking. This is you in your new phase, the phase of exploration, of revival and of setting out to find your new truth. You are on your journey to soul-searching, with nothing but love on your side. And time. And a bit of music. And along the way you will realize, that’s all you’ll ever need to be happy.

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Every phase is an afterlife of the one that just passed you by. Every phase gives you a chance to understand the meaning of life, of your being, of love that cannot be fathomed. As you gracefully stride from one afterlife to the next, you leave behind a small part of you — for those who you left behind. And yet, it seems as though you now have so much more to give, and a heart that’s so much more willing to receive. Where there is love, this is conflict. But where there is love, there is true will. There is true might. And, there is a real dream. Every phase of your being will bring you to this final war within — this quest for fulfilling a love that consumes, this thirst for realising a surreal phantasmagoria.

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But this is where you bloom and find your roots, where you spread your wings and find the wind beneath them, where you chase a rainbow and find your happy place. This is where you sit down cross-legged, accept that life has given you your chance, and watch sunsets together. Nothing can ever come to you if your cross your arms so tight and crush the desires that now define you. Open your eyes, your mind, your heart and your arms to love. In every form. Allow it to be the reason you breathe. Empower it to transform you. Grant it the freedom it needs to grow. Concede to its funny little ways. Let it be the guardian angel in your flood and your fire. And finally, spare it the pain of separation. Live with it, for it, by it, and by no means without it.

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Be the chaos in my soul that gives birth to a shooting star. Be the rainbow in my heart that takes me to the world in you. The world I’m falling in love with.

Disclaimer – Posts like these can be deeply personal and tend to be more than just words in 5 long paragraphs. Show kindness if you wish to leave comments. Walk away if you don’t have anything nice to say.

Until next time, XOXO

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